Growth.

Growth and healing is not linear. Sometimes it can be so so hard to remember that. These last few weeks have been really hard for me mentally and emotionally as i have had to ride some serious highs and lows that have been unexpectedly happening with little to no control over them. Turning 21 this year has really been scaring me and pushing me to tick off all the things in my metaphorical checklist that i feel needs to be completed before the big 21 one turns around. Things such as finally getting my provisional drivers license which i've been procrastinating the last 3 years on getting all the while feeling behind with my peers who all got theirs at 18 and are now only a year away from their full license now, but at least i'm on the track to getting it and am finally pushing myself to get it before i turn 21 so that all the hours i have done has not gone to waste. To be honest i really struggle with feeling like i'm not keeping up with my peers and that i'm not as developed as them, with how my life has been going i'm feeling like i'm living my 19 year old life on loop. I haven't really done anything personally to improve myself such as developing a hobby i regularly do nor have i achieved any life skills or achievements to put under my belt such as my driving licence or moving out of home. All those things and achievements i want are going to take time which is something i've been hearing so often these last few months and i feel like i am getting to that mid point of becoming a little to sick of waiting for things to change, sick of waiting for opportunities i fear will never come, sick of trying to change things but still left feeling like i'm stuck with no way forwards or backwards in life. You could say that right now i feel like i'm in stalemate in the metaphorical chessboard that is my life currently. I Feel all over the place emotionally which has then led me to off load on friends without thinking how much of a toxic behaviour and habit it is that i'm developing for i've just moved my co-dependency from my romantic relationships to my normal friendships and then i'm getting disappointed because i'm unconsciously devoting way too much into these friendships and sacrificing myself for them in different situations when i just need to be selfish for once and put myself first in order to prioritise my self improvement even if it can be a little scary or a little painful either physically or mentally. I need to develop myself on my own and stick to it. i want to be the person i feel after a really good run, i want to be the person i am at my core. Unshakably myself and positively strong, with the confidence to do and go after whatever it is i want. Which is a far trek for me to get to and become but i know i will make it bumps and waves of setbacks and push forwards included too.