Word Storm 25/02/2017

Over the last year or so i have come to learn that the me who i am isn't someone i want to be anymore. Entering into a new chapter of my life all the while still being chased by mistakes and misery's of my high school time in the form of being called a cunt at a train station by the relative of a person whom i have not gotten along or been friends with all because of a comment i said to a trusted friend in private if i do so stress.

 Parallels like that situation and the spark that started the drama  make me uncertain of who i am as a person, because on one perspective i have every right to my own opinion so long as i am not rude or callous about said opinion if it is one about another person or their life, such as saying it to their faces but is it rude and callous of me to say it in private to another person or should i just shut up and not say anything at all?, Through all that am i a bad person for saying it even if it was not to their face and am i bad for even thinking that opinion in the first place before saying it? i always worry and find that i over share,talk to much,gossip too much, dominate conversation's with people, am too negative,boring,uninspiring, unamusing and behind with everyone else in the majority of social interactions that i have. People never find me interesting unlike others who capture peoples attention with a smile or hand gesture and a witty comment nor do they want to have or start deep conversations with me. I always find that its either superficial or shallow with the majority if not all of my friends.

My insecurities and down falls i mentioned in my previous paragraph always seem to get me when i really don't want them to. For example today i met up and spent the morning with a new acquaintance as well as a friend i have known for a few years, at the start i was very quiet because i was shy and hadn't interacted with the acquaintance  have always wanted to be closer to this friend for she emulates the person i want to be and become, rather than this foolish, over emotional twat of a person i feel i am to other people while this friend of mine is the definition of cool, calm and collected with her priorities always being straight and a amazing talent for art, shes funny when she opens up to you and she is always unexpectedly doing interesting things that she doesn't say unless you ask. she is always so fair and able to have her opinion while still having everyone like her and want to be around her all the while never loosing her true self and keeping herself from people she does not like with no drama. meanwhile drama seems to plague my life as soon as i think i am free and gone from it for good i get someone who i call my best friend blowing up at me for not being able to afford car pooling with her to uni among other thing which when i apologise for she just throws back at my face and i have to leave the conversation crying at 12 am feeling like a shit person and having to then cut ties for good with that friend because it is not healthy to have someone tell you over two days how much of a shit friend you are for "not being around much or making any effort" 'but when you apologise and try to explain you have been busy with uni starting and having a new chapter of your life start she just refuses to accept that and basically says she wont bother being around because i cant make time for her at the moment which is heartbreaking when you know you would be understanding with that friend if they were busy and you couldn't catch up for a while for i have the belief that great friendships shouldn't be hard work and exhausting, nor should they be 24/7 and you can leave where it was and pick the friendship right back up weeks,months and even years later. this friend was the one who betrayed my trust to my foe and is the catalyst to the drama that has all come from that one comment i mistakenly made to someone i thought i could trust who then like a gun shot me in my social sphere all the while keeping her hands clean and later on has the audacity to complain about all the things my foe does or says on social media and will send me screen shots or quotes berating the girl but when it came to the foe slagging me off on Facebook and my boyfriends brother sticking up for me, she was nowhere to be seen and she barely stood up for me. now i do not demand or expect anything but when you have your friends name being run down you bloody stand in there and say something even if it small. it lets the person in the wrong know its not right and even if you get attacked by that person for saying something you were still doing the right thing. doing the right thing has always been the main philosophy in my life that i try to follow but how do i do the right thing and sit there and try to hold back from saying something when your foes sister berates you in public next to your friend and you have to go back to your boyfriends home to collect thing before going home embarrassingly crying in front of them and they try to comfort you and you don't want to go home because of personal issues which leaves you in a awkward personal conundrum where emotions are high and it just feels like you're trying to balance yourself upon a rickety bridge with no handrails in between two cliffs. i know my first blog post has been a mess of thoughts, ideas and emotions but im just using this place at this time for me to unload off to with no consequences.