(failed) seasons of change...

It's been a few months. Sorry. Life in the last 6 months has not panned out at all how i thought it would, and even though i do admittedly have regrets on some of the choices and decisions i've made, it's okay that i went wrong. Thats life, how else am i going to learn and grow i guess? It is hard having hindsight now and harder still trying not to wish you could time travel back, knowing what i know now and shake past me into a reality check. I've come to realise that the last few years i have been living my life in different shades of regret, heartache and worry. I honestly do feel lost as to how i'm going to stop that train of thought and try growing the bright, positive person i want to be. Honestly right now i feel really let down and a bit bogged mentally and i feel a bit lost in my path in life right now. I found out a few days ago i failed 2 out of the 3 subjects i did this semester at uni and i'm wondering if i'm trying too hard to prove i'm not stupid after getting a dismal atar a few years ago but i've inadvertently punched above my weight in terms of this degree, I've been wondering if i am even able to complete my degree successfully or am i too dumb to. it's really knocked me down mentally a few notches and with life and work being crazy at the moment i've missed a opportunity to see a subject convenor twice and i worry that i've already made a bad impression to him and he's going to be the one giving me advice and supporting me to get my schooling back on track...i guess maybe subconsciously i'm self sabotaging myself too because i don't believe i'm smart enough to complete a science degree successfully. I don't want to believe that i'm dumb though even through right now i can't even say to myself that i am smart and can complete this degree. I guess i just don't trust myself after i shot myself in the foot with not making uni a priority like i wanted and instead getting involved with the wrong people as well as letting the wrong people into my life and take up my time, but i can change that i don't have to be stuck in this narrative i've created for myself. I need to start forming boundaries and keeping them and not let any person who's simply nice to me into my inner circle. I'll admit i've come to realise that someone i've been calling a best friend is turning out to be not as nice as i thought and they are simply emotionally exhausting for me. At the moment i'd say i have one good solid girlfriend who is what i need in a friend and our friendship is very equal which is a new experience and discovery for me. I definitely want to start attracting that more but to be honest i don't know how and my instinct for staying away from the wrong people doesn't seem to work properly early in the start of the friendship and i'm worried i won't ever be able to develop it...i feel so tired and exhausted at myself with all these concerns and worries for the future and the decisions i'm going to make constantly floating around my head but i then hardly ever do something productive about it, which becomes my falling after that. But i am trying to change my habit of not being productive when it matters most to things in my life which has been a refreshing change and it's nice to finally tick long overdue things to do off my to do list.

For 2019, i just want to enter it with fresh eyes and a open heart ready to take on my life and make it big, magical, crazy good fun with no dramas and only be loving and surrounded by love. 🎕🎕

I'm ready to take on the life i want.

Love, me. 💟